The Dark Side of the SWAT Kats

Written by Jim Katz

Transcript by Craig Rohloff

Cast:
T-Bone/Dark T-Bone – Charlie Adler
Razor/Dark Razor – Barry Gordon
Commander Ulysses Feral – Gary Owens
Lt. Felina Feral – Lori Alan

Guest Cast (in order of appearance):
Dark Kat – Brock Peters
Dark Callie Briggs – Tress MacNeille

Supporting Cast (in order of appearance):
Puma-Dyne Guard – X
Enforcer Jet Pilot – X
Enforcer Guard – Loren Lester
Feral’s Chopper Pilot (non-speaking)

Transcript:

ACT 1

T-Bone: Well, Razor, you said you that you needed a lousy night to test your new radar. Looks like you got it!
Razor: No Problem, T-Bone! This Dimensional Radar scanner should penetrate other aircraft and buildings with incredible 3D detail. Bingo!
T-Bone: I gotta hand it to you buddy, this makes night flying a snap! Hey! Check out that Enforcer Chopper!
Razor: Well, well, look who’s flying. Mr. Personality himself!
T-Bone: Commander Feral. (via radio) Hey Commander! What are you doing out in a storm? Looking for a donut shop?
Commander Feral: What the…?
Razor: Did you forget to shave this morning, Commander?
Commander Feral: I don’t know how you can see me, but get off my frequency you clowns! This band is for Enforcer business only! (Turbokat buzzes past) Oooooo! You hotshot jerks! One of these days I’m going to…
Razor: What a grouch.
T-Bone: Why don’t you get yourself a nice prune donut?
Razor: Yeah, that outta relax ya!
T-Bone: Let’s head home, buddy!
T-Bone: S’quite a storm, Razor. I can barely see out the cockpit!
Razor: Hang loose. Dimensional radar’s already locked on our hangar.
T-Bone: (lightning strikes the Turbokat) Awwww crud! Whoa, that was one mega lightning bolt! Everything okay back there?
Razor: Checking…Dimensional Radar’s down.
T-Bone: Whaa…?
Commander Feral: Whaa…? (Turbokat nearly collides with Feral’s chopper)
Oh, that was too close. (weapons fire grazes the Turbokat)
Razor: What was that?!
T-Bone: It’s Feral! He’s gone crazy!
Razor: I guess he didn’t like our donut joke.
Lt. Felina Feral: Move in!
Both: Felina?
Lt. Felina Feral: I got ‘em, uncle!
T-Bone: What’s with the lieutenant? This outta get her off our tail. (Turbokat accelerates out of range)
Lt. Felina Feral: Shoot! Ugh… they got away, uncle.
Commander Feral: Don’t worry, Felina. Those renegades can’t evade us forever. Eventually we’ll nail their tails.
Lt. Felina Feral: Roger that. Heading back to headquarters.

Razor: What was that all about?
T-Bone: I don’t know, buddy. Feral and his niece have totally lost it. You’d think we were criminals or something. (gasps) Razor, somebody’s trashed our place!
Razor: Ooooo… I’ll check the upper security seals.
T-Bone: I’ve never seen a Glovatrix like this before.
Razor: The alarm didn’t go off and the security seals are intact!
T-Bone: Oh yeah? Then what the heck are those things? And how did they get in here?
Razor: You got me, buddy.
T-Bone: What are these? Huh? A Creepling! (grabs and punches Creepling) Crud! Our place is crawling with Creeplings!
Dark Kat: Enough!
Both: Dark Kat?!
Dark Kat: Why are you attacking my Creeplings? We’re all on the same side, remember?
T-Bone: What are you talking about, Dark Crud? And how did you get in here?
Dark Kat: The same way I always do: the key you gave me.
T-Bone: (whispers) This is gettin’ really weird.
Razor: Yeah, let’s just play along.
Dark Kat: Why are you two acting so strangely? Did you get the Mega-Detonator or not?
Razor: Uh… we ran into a little trouble with Feral.
Dark Kat: Feral! He has been a thorn in all our sides! But, I promise you…get me that detonator and I will disintegrate Enforcer Headquarters once and for all!
T-Bone: You’re gonna blow up Enforcer Headquarters?
Dark Kat: No! You’re going to blow it up. With my bomb. Or have you forgotten that Feral has put a price on your heads?
Razor: Uh, who could forget something like that?
Dark Kat: Well, what are you waiting for? Get to Puma-Dyne and steal that detonator!
T-Bone: (whispers) Razor, what the heck is goin’ on?
Razor: I dunno. Let’s just get in the jet and get outta here!
Razor: Dark Kat is our friend. Feral and the Enforcers are our enemies, and we’re wanted for every crime in Megakat City. Something’s screwy.
T-Bone: Yeah…ever since we got hit by the lightning the world’s gone crazy.
Razor: You’re right, T-Bone. The lightning must have hit the Dimensional Radar and somehow thrown us into a quirky, alternate dimension!
T-Bone: Hold it, hold it. Are you telling me that somewhere in this world are a couple of evil SWAT Kats?
Razor: You got a better theory?
T-Bone: Okay, we’re negative. So how’s about I find us a nice big storm cloud so we can get hit by lightning and get outta this screwy dimension?
Razor: Excellent idea. But first we gotta stop Dark Kat from getting his claw on that Mega-Detonator.
T-Bone: You don’t mean…
Razor: Yeah, we’re gonna steal it before our evil counterparts can!
T-Bone: Next stop, Puma-Dyne!

Dark Razor: Your flying stinks, T-Bone!
Dark T-Bone: Ah, choke on a fur ball! You think you could fly any better? (moneybag is tossed at him) Ugh, watch it!
Dark Razor: Wanna make something of it?
Dark Kat: What are you two doing back here?
Dark Razor: We live here, remember?
Dark Kat: But the detonator…
Dark T-Bone: Keep your cape on. We’ll get it for ya. But there was a new bank that needed robbing first. (throws money bag at Dark Kat)
Dark Kat: (swatting money bag away) Ugh!
Dark Razor: Yeah, we’ll just load up some more Deadhead missiles and pay Puma-Dyne a visit!
Dark Kat: But, I just watched you SWAT Kats fly off to Puma-Dyne!
Dark Razor: Huh? Are you crazy?
Dark T-Bone: Whoever you sent, it wasn’t us.
Dark Kat: Hmm… if it wasn’t you… those impostors must be stopped before they get my detonator!
Dark Razor: Impostors? Well, don’t you worry about that, Dark Kat.
Dark T-Bone: Yeah, this town isn’t big enough for two sets of SWAT Kats!

ACT 2

(Long infiltration sequence. SWAT Kats are content to sneak by guards, while Dark SWAT Kats go out of their way to knock them out)
T-Bone: That was a pretty good workout.
Razor: (out of breath) And we’re not through yet. Look.
T-Bone: Ugh, this could take all night…
Razor: We better split up.
T-Bone: Roger.

Dark Razor: Watch it you hairy oaf, you almost tripped the alarm!
Dark T-Bone: Stay out of my way, scuzz-ball.
Dark Razor: Fine with me.
Guard: (groans and barely manages to activate the alarm)

Razor: Bingo! I got it buddy. Now let’s get our tails out of here before Dark Kat finds out we’re not who he thinks we are.
Dark T-Bone: He already has.
Razor: What?
(Dark T-Bone punches Razor)
Razor: Oooof! T-Bone, what the… you’re not T-Bone!
Dark T-Bone: Yes I am, but not the one you think. I don’t know what your game is, but it’s up as of now!
Razor: Hi-yah! (flips Dark T-Bone; during the ensuing scuffle, the Mega-detonator is kicked across the room and out into corridor)

Dark Razor: Did ya find them yet?
T-Bone: ‘Them’? I thought there was only one detonator.
Dark Razor: I meant the imposters, stupid.
T-Bone: Oh, yeah. I think I just spotted one. (T-Bone punches Dark Razor; their fistfight merges with that of the other two, with the Mega-detonator being knocked around several times)
T-Bone & Dark T-Bone: (together) Huh?!
Razor: (held by T-Bone) T-Bone! It’s me!
T-Bone: Yeah, sure. (throws Razor into wall; Dark SWAT Kats aim their Glovatrixes at the real SWAT Kats) Oops. Sorry, buddy!
Razor: Won’t Feral be surprised when we turn the Mega-detonator in along with this kat scum?
Dark T-Bone: Launching mini-megatons…
Dark Razor: You stupid fool! You’ll blow up the detonator! (Dark T-Bone fires anyway, knocking the SWAT Kats through a wall into another room)
Dark T-Bone: Let’s make sure those two are finished.
Commander Feral: There they are! This time your luck’s run out, SWAT Kats. I’ve been waiting a long time for this. Cuff ‘em, Felina!
Lt. Felina Feral: My pleasure.
T-Bone: You got the wrong SWAT Kats!
Razor: Yeah. The bad ones are getting away!
Lt. Felina Feral: (checking corridor) There’s nobody in here!
Commander Feral: Except for you lying SWAT Kats. You’re going to be spending the rest of your nine lives in the slammer. Get ‘em outta here!

ACT 3

T-Bone: Your makin’ a big mistake, Feral. We’re not the SWAT Kats that you think we are.
Razor: Yeah, the other SAT Kats got away with the detonator, and any second, this place is going to be blown to dust!
Commander Feral: Your pathetic lies won’t save you now, SWAT Kats.
Razor: Listen, Feral. If you don’t believe us, then where is the Mega-detonator?
T-Bone: Yeah! What do you think we were doin’ at Puma-Dyne anyway?
Commander Feral: That’s obvious! Trying to steal weapons.
T-Bone: We were sent there to steal the detonator for Dark Kat.
Razor: Yeah. The evil SWAT Kats got it first, and Dark Kat’s going to blow up Enforcer Headquarters with it!
Commander Feral: Ha! Do you really expect me to believe a story like that?
Razor: Just check out Puma-Dyne for that Mega-detonator.
Commander Feral: I don’t take orders from criminal scum.

Commander Feral: (to jet pilot) Take me to Puma-Dyne!
Enforcer Jet Pilot: Yes, sir!

T-bone: Great. We’re in some crummy dimension, we’re mistaken for the bad guys, and to top it off, we’re going to get blown to smithereens. What else could go wrong?
Dark Callie: You blundering fools!
Razor & T-Bone: Miss Briggs!
Razor: Boy, are we glad to see you!
Dark Callie: You clowns are screwing up our plan to take over Megakat City!
Razor & T-Bone: YOUR plan?
Razor: Y-you mean, you and Dark Kat?
Dark Callie: As if you didn’t know. Oooh. If I didn’t need your help to get that detonator, I’d let you rot in here! One of the perks of being Deputy Mayor. (she unlocks cell and they all leave)
Enforcer Guard: I’m sorry, Deputy Mayor. Only Enforcers have roof clearance.
Dark Callie: No problem. Here’s my clearance. (sprays guard with mist)
Enforcer Guard: Ugh…
Dark Callie: Hurry up! Now get that detonator to Dark Kat.

Razor: I can’t believe that Callie is a bad kat!
T-Bone: Guess you were right, buddy. We don’t know who’s good and who’s bad in this screwy dimension.
Razor: One thing’s for sure: we’ve gotta get back to the hangar before those evil SWAT Kats take off with the bomb.

Dark Kat: (laughing as Creeplings load bomb) Goodbye, Enforcers.

Enforcer Dispatch: (via radio) Commander Feral, come in! The SWAT Kats have escaped!
Commander Feral: Argh, I should have known it was all a trick. Head back to Headquarters!
Enforcer Jet Pilot: Yes, Sir!

Dark Razor: Aw, nice flyin’.
Dark T-Bone: Shut up!

Razor: Wonder if Feral knows we’re missing yet… (Feral’s jet fires on Turbokat)
T-Bone: That outta answer your question. Listen Feral. Would it do any good to tell you that Deputy Mayor Briggs helped us escape?
Commander Feral: You lying kats will say anything to save your stinking tails.
T-Bone: Didn’t think so.
Lt. Felina Feral: (via radio) Uncle, come in. Do you copy?
Commander Feral: Not now, Felina, I’m busy! I’m in hot pursuit of the SWAT Kats.
Lt. Felina Feral: (via radio) You’re in pursuit? But I’m in pursuit of the SWAT Kats!
Commander Feral: Impossible! I’ve got the SWAT Kats right in my sights. (Dark Turbokat pursued by Felina’s squadron overshoots Commander Feral’s jet) What the…?
T-Bone: Looks like the gang’s all here.
Razor: How do you explain that, Feral?
Commander Feral: Then you SWAT Kats were telling the truth.
T-Bone: Duh, Commander.
Commander Feral: Then… that means…
Razor: You got it! They’re on their way to blow up Enforcer Headquarters.
Commander Feral: The Enforcers will handle this.
Razor: Heh, heh. Now there’s a statement that transcends dimensions.

Dark T-Bone: Got enough targets back there to hit, Razor?
Dark Razor: Just keep the jet steady, dodo.
Dark T-Bone: Next time shoot with your eyes open!
Dark Razor: Oh, yeah? Watch this. This Deadhead Missile is just for you, sweetheart. (fires at Felina’s jet)
Lt. Felina Feral: Gah! Can’t see! (Felina’s jet careens toward Goodkat Blimp; Turbokat uses skyhooks to catch her jet & land it atop a building)
T-Bone: Nice catch, Razor!
Lt. Felina Feral: Guess I owe you one, SWAT Kats!

T-Bone: Now let’s take care of our deadly doubles.
Dark T-Bone: Don’t just sit there, you jerk. Do somethin’.
Dark Razor: Aw, don’t choke on a hairball. Death Spike Missile launch! Our tail is clear.
T-Bone: Crud! We’ll never stop ‘em in time, buddy.
Razor: T-Bone, they’re changing course!
Dark Razor: What are you doing, you jerk? Let’s just drop the bomb.
Dark T-Bone: Ah, Headquarters can wait. I’m gonna kick these ticks off my tail.
Dark Kat: (on view screen) You fools! Don’t chase them; drop the bomb! I’ve spent years waiting for this moment.
Dark T-Bone: Then I guess a few minutes won’t kill ya.
Dark Razor: Aw, chill out. This won’t take long. So long, you goody two-kats!
T-Bone: Crud!
(Turbokat crashes into bay)
Dark T-Bone: Bingo! Now we’re ready to fry the Enforcers.
(Turbokat pops up out of bay)
T-Bone: Lucky our Speed of Heat shields held up! Engaging jet boosters.
Razor: Crud! That last missile must’ve damaged my targeting scope. But there’s always my Dimensional Radar… I hope. Yes!
Dark Razor: Crud, they’re back. But not for long.
Razor: Keep the jet steady, pal. I’ve only got one chance to block that bomb. I’m going to cement up those bomb bays before we go.
Dark SWAT Kats: Yah-ha!
Dark Razor: The bomb’s stuck!
Dark T-Bone: You stupid…
(Dark Turbokat explodes)

Dark Kat: Noo!! I spent years developing that bomb.

Dark Callie: Oh! All my plans are ruined. I’m outta here!
Lt. Felina Feral: Going somewhere, Deputy Mayor? I guess those good SWAT Kats were telling the truth about you, too.

Razor: We’ve gotta bail out.
T-Bone: No way! Ugh, uh… (bright flash, loud bang) Power’s back. I’ve got control.
(Turbokat nearly collides with Feral’s chopper and buzzes by, causing Feral to spill coffee onto himself)
Commander Feral: Oowww! You stupid hotshots! One of these days, I’m going to put you two clowns behind bars!
Razor: Well, guess we’re back in our own dimension, buddy.
T-Bone: Music to my ears!
Commander Feral: (via radio) I don’t care how many times you’ve saved this city… I’m going to string you up by your tails!
(fade out)
CLOSING CREDITS

Note: When the SWAT Kats return to their own dimension and cause Commander Feral to spill his coffee onto himself, look at the expression of Feral’s pilot; apparently, he was also tired of Feral’s grumpy mood and didn’t mind the ‘payback’ the SWAT Kats inadvertently dished out!