Unlikely Alloys

Written by Lance Falk
Transcript by Craig Rohloff

Cast:

1. T-Bone – Charlie Adler
2. Razor – Barry Gordon
3. Commander Ulysses Feral – Gary Owens
4. Lieutenant Felina Feral – Lori Alan

Guest Cast (in order of appearance):

1. Max Mange – Neil Ross
2. Molly Mange – April Winchell
3. Dr Lieter Greenbox – Nick Chinlund

Supporting Cast (in order of appearance):

1. Female Enforcer Dispatcher (voice-over) – x
2. Old Male Mint Worker – x
3. Ann Gora – Candi Milo
4. Tab Mouser – x
5. Enforcer Tanker 1 – x
6. Other Enforcer Tankers – x
7. Female Lab Worker – x

Transcript:

ACT 1

T-Bone: That’s… two G’s!
Razor: Three G’s! Sure you don’t wanna… back out?
T-Bone: Funny. Four G’s.
Razor: Five G’s. Woooah!!
T-Bone: Razor! Razor, buddy, where are you?
Razor: Up here. Uh, that’s what I get for supercharging the motors. Too much stress on the support mounts.
T-Bone: Heh, heh. Yeah, and now we’ve got a mega-mess to clean up!
Razor: Uh, oh… looks like our radar jammer’s totaled! Without this, Feral can track us here easy and blow our cover!
T-Bone: So fix the thing, ace.
Razor: Hey, not without help. I salvaged it from a stealth jet; complex stuff… it could take months to fix!
Female Enforcer Dispatcher: Attention Enforcer units!
Razor: The emergency band.
Female Enforcer Dispatcher: The Metallikats have broken into Megakat City Mint. All units report.
T-Bone: The Enforcers will never be able to handle those two.
Razor: Then it’s up to us to kick some Metallikat tail!

Mac: It’s like this: you mint money for the banks…
Molly: …and we have to go all over town stealin’ the money.
Mac: We just wanna cut out the middleman. All right! Now I’ll ask you just once: where’s the main vault?
Old Male Mint Worker: You’ll never get in! This door is 25 feet [editor: looks more like 12 inches, but what the hey.] of reinforced titanium on a quad-bolted time lock that won’t open for 12 hours.
Mac: Very impressive.
Molly: But we’re in a hurry.
Mac: Heh, heh, heh. One stop shoppin’. Hey, only take the big bills, Molly.
Molly: DUH! What’d you think I was gonna grab? Ones?
Cmdr Feral: Attention, Metallikats!
Mac: I was wonderin’ when the law was gonna show.
Cmdr Feral: This is Commander Feral! Mac & Molly Mange, you’re under arrest!
Molly: Then come and get us!
Cmdr Feral: Let ‘em have it!
Mac: Boy, wait ‘til they get a load of my new Mega-Optimus.
Cmdr Feral: Augh! Oooh…
Mac: Say goodbye, Commander. GAAAH!!
T-Bone: Hey, bucket butts, is this a private party?
Razor: Or can anybody join?
Molly: Augh!
Razor: Outstanding!
Molly: Uh! I can’t see! Augh!
Lt Felina Feral: Look out!
Molly: Augh!
Mac: MOLLY! Molly, are you OK? Say somethin’.
Molly: (weakly) Get the loot… you big sap… uhhh…
Mac: Forget the loot. I’m getting’ you outta here!
T-Bone: They’re under here!
Cmdr Feral: Where are the Metallikats?
T-Bone: Long gone.
Razor: They got away empty handed.
Cmdr Feral: Yes. And it’ll cost millions more to repair the mess you’ve made of this building!
T-Bone: Gee, for a second there, I thought your uncle was going to thank us for saving his tail.
Lt Felina Feral: Thanks, guys!
Razor: Hey, no problem!

Mac: A little… recharge is the ticket. C’mon, Molly, say somethin’. Go ahead, insult me. I won’t even get mad!
Molly: (weakly) Can I… call you… ‘bucket butt’? Oooh…
Mac: Heh, heh! I knew it! Y-you just need to charge up for a while. Relax and soak up some juice. Meanwhile, let’s see if we made the news.
Ann Gora: –robbery attempt on Megakat City Mint. The Metallikats remain at large. Enforcers Commander Ulysses Feral had this to say…
Cmdr Feral: Thanks to the diligent efforts of my Enforcers… and with some minor help from the SWAT Kats… the Metallikats were stopped cold. It’s only a matter of time before we have them in custody.
Ann Gora: (cheerfully) And now, this week’s Spotlight on Science, with Tab Mouser. Tab…
Mouser: Thanks, Ann. I’m here with Dr Lieter Greenbox. Doctor, what do you have for our viewers?
Greenbox: Well, it’s a little complicated to explain, Tab. Let me show you. It’s a micro-brain repair unit, with universal applications. Allow me to demonstrate on this mechanically impaired clock radio.
Repair Unit: Analyzing.
Mouser: Incredible! But how–
Greenbox: You see, Tab, every machine is based on a handful of basic concepts. This prototype device is smart enough to diagnose the purpose of any mechanical or electronic object and restore it to its original state.
Mac: Hello!! That thing could patch Molly up in a nanosecond.
Mouser: Amazing! When will this little miracle be available?
Greenbox: In a year, perhaps.
Mac: Heh, heh, heh. That’s what you think.
Greenbox: But there’s still a lot of testing to be done.
Mouser: Back to you, Ann.

T-Bone: Wow, did you see that?
Razor: Yeah, maybe we can take this jammer to Greenbox. This high-tech bowling ball with a brain might be able to fix it a lot faster than I can.
T-Bone: Hey, it’s worth a call.
Razor: Hey, that’s great, Doc. Thanks! We’ll be right over.

Greenbox: Gasp!
Mac: Looks like this thing could use new brakes. Hiya, Doc! I’ll take that.
Greenbox: No! You can’t.
Mac: Oh, yes, I can!
Greenbox: Oooh…
Mac: Now… let’s see if this little do-dad is all it’s cracked up to be.
Repair Unit: Analyzing. Analysis complete. Commence repairs.
Mac: Eh? Woah! Just what the doctor ordered! Molly… this thing’ll fix ya up in no time.
Repair Unit: Analyzing.
Molly: (whispering) What? (aloud) I’m as good as new! Better, maybe! How’d ya do it, bolt brain?
Mac: This little gizmo that the doc made. And from now on, we ain’t leavin’ home without it.
Greenbox: No! That’s my device! I’ve spent years developing it!
Molly: So build another one.
Mac: Hey… What’s it doin’?
Repair Unit: Analyzing armored conveyance for assimilation procedure.
Molly: Hey!
Mac: Our car!
Repair Unit: Commencing assimilation procedure.
Mac: That thing’s strippin’ our wheels!
Repair Unit: Assimilation complete.
Greenbox: Incredible! It absorbed your hovercraft to build an armored body around itself.
Repair Unit: Mac and Molly Metallikat: you are thinking machines more experienced than I. I await your input.
Mac: Are you thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?
Molly: Yeah. I hear ya. From now on, kid, you’ll do just what we tell ya.
Repair Unit: Excellent. Purpose is important. Purpose is all.
Greenbox: No! It’s my invention! I won’t let you take it!
Mac: Wrong-o, Doc. He’s one of us now.
Repair Unit: A correct extrapolation of facts.
Greenbox: Hello, Enforcer Headquarters—AUGH!
Mac: The boy’s got a healthy appetite! (laughs sinisterly)

T-Bone: Do you really think that repair gizmo’s going to work?
Razor: Hey, it’s worth a shot.

Mac: Now that you had lunch, let’s go to town, kid!
Repair Unit: This one’s name is not ‘kid.’ Preferred nomenclature is… Zed.
Mac: Huh?
Molly: (matter-of-factly) I think it wants you to call him ‘Zed.’
Mac: Heh, heh. Yeah, OK… uh, Zed. And now, let’s rob this town blind.
Molly: Hey! Look who’s comin’ to dinner.
Zed: Turbokat threat identified.
Mac: Snack time! (laughs sinisterly)
T-Bone: What the… ?
Zed: Assimilate Turbokat. Eliminate SWAT Kats.

ACT 2

T-Bone: Uh, what is that thing?
Razor: Giant monster of the week?
Cmdr Feral: Cease your activity at once!
Zed: Armored vehicles… most fortuitous.
Mac: Hah! This should be good.
Enforcer Tanker 1: Jump! D’ah! Oooh…
Other Enforcer Tankers: (indistinct shouting)
Razor: Creepy! We’ve gotta do something. Scrambler Missiles locked… and launched! That outta short-circuit him.
T-Bone: Crud! We need another plan, buddy.
Mac: Ah, ha, ha, ha! Hey, Zed, that was great! Now let’s get over to the city mint.
Zed: Negative. Monetary collection holds no interest for Zed. I have other priorities. I must ascertain Zed’s… true purpose.
Mac: Huh?
Molly: He says he ain’t gonna help us.
Mac: Oh, yeah? Now see here, ya overgrown tin can… Heeey!
Molly: Nooo!
Zed: Zed must seek purpose. Zed has grown beyond insufficient goals of Metallikat entities.
Greenbox: Oh, my! I never realized my creation could acquire so much power.
Molly: (angrily) Greenbox!

T-Bone: Razor, that thing eats everything made of metal.
Razor: Maybe the Mega Laser will stop it. Crud! Nothing can penetrate that tank armor.
T-Bone: Hang on! I’m gonna max this baby out. That was too close, buddy. Now what do we do?
Molly: You’re gonna help me get my Mac back… or else.
T-Bone: Let him go, Molly. Greenbox has nothing to do with this.
Molly: Oh, no? Tell him how your device ate my Mac.
Razor: Zed? That thing is your device?!
Greenbox: The Metallikats stole my invention to repair their injuries. My device’s programming was contaminated with their criminal personalities.
Molly: ‘Contaminated’? Why, you…
T-Bone: Cool it, Molly.
Razor: Doctor, is there a way to stop that thing?
Greenbox: Wha… perhaps. But I’ll need a few things from my office at the university.
Razor: We’re gonna need a ride. The Hoverkat will get us there in no time.

T-Bone: What? We’re going inside that metal-eatin’ monster?
Greenbox: It’s the only way to reach the original Zed so I can reprogram him properly with this deactivator.
Razor: But how will we get in? Zed’ll absorb anything metal, like our Glovatrixes.
Greenbox: Theoretically, these personal force field generators should protect us from Zed’s absorption powers.
Molly: Where’s mine? I’m goin’, too; that thing’s got my husband.
Razor: OK, Molly. You’re in.

T-Bone: Looks like Zed’s stripped half of Megakat City.
Razor: Kat Tracker’s got him. Zed’s heading for Puma-Dyne!

Zed: Destination established. Puma-Dyne is Zed’s key to total world domination.
Lt Felina Feral: Uncle, did you hear that? If Zed consumes the high-tech weaponry at Puma-Dyne… crud!
Cmdr Feral: I know, Felina, I know. Attention all Enforcer units: this is Feral. Surround Puma-Dyne. That thing must be stopped at any cost!
Other Enforcer Tankers: Ah! Watch out!
Razor: Look at the size of that thing!
T-Bone: The Enforcers don’t stand a chance against Zed.
Razor: Yeah… guess it’s up to us. Activate force fields.
T-Bone: This is it, Razor. Blast us a doorway!
Razor: Doorway comin’ up.
T-Bone: We’re in! Everybody out! (to Molly) Lucky for you, these force fields work.
Razor: Where to, Doc?
Greenbox: The control unit is about three hundred feet… above us.
Razor: Hang on!
Greenbox: Zed is so immense, we’re nothing more than germs to him.
T-Bone: Then those must be Zed’s antibodies!
Razor: Will our force fields protect us against them, Doc?
Greenbox: I’m afraid I didn’t anticipate this.
T-Bone: Razor, max afterburners, now!!
Razor: No! We’re out of fuel! Deploy grappling cables.
Razor & T-Bone: Ugh!
Razor: Zed must have reached Puma-Dyne.
T-Bone: Then we’d better hurry!

Lt Felina Feral: Nothing can stop him, Uncle.
Cmdr Feral: I know. The best we can do is delay it, until we can evacuate Puma-Dyne.
Lt Felina Feral: Is everything out of there?
Female Lab Worker: Almost. The Megabeam is going to take a while to move.
Cmdr Feral: Megabeam? What’s that?
Female Lab Worker: Our giant laser satellite. Set to launch early next year, it’s designed to stop earthquakes from orbit with surgical precision.
Cmdr Feral: Awww, that’s all I need. When that metal mountain absorbs your satellite…
Lt Felina Feral: …we can kiss Megakat City goodbye!

Greenbox: It’s incredible how much Zed has assimilated in such a short time, though in computer terms, he’s still just a child, you know.
T-Bone: Yeah, and we’re gonna give it a good spanking!
Molly: But only after we get Mac out!
Greenbox: I think I’ve found the heart of Zed.
Molly: Mac? You in here?
Mac: (voice over) Oh… Molly?
Molly: Mac! Hang on, Mac. I’m wastin’ this thing and getting’ you outta here!
Mac: No, don’t blast it, ‘cause you’ll finish me, too! I’m wired up to it!
Greenbox: Ingenious. Zed has self-preservation capabilities I never even dreamed of.
T-Bone: Time’s wasting, Doc. Pull the plug!
Molly: Back off, you three! Nobody’s touchin’ this thing ‘til I get Mac outta there.
T-Bone & Greenbox: Ah!
Razor: Eh! Sorry, Molly.
Molly: Gyaaah!
T-Bone: The coast is clear, Doc. Use the deactivator now!
Greenbox: No. I won’t. Don’t you fools understand? I created Zed. My very genius surrounds us. I won’t let you destroy it.
Razor: Woah, he’s flipped!
T-Bone: Yeah, we should have done this mission solo. Let’s get him! That way!
Greenbox & Zed: You’re too late, SWAT Kats. Zed has united with its creator; we are one. Zed has found unity, found purpose.
Razor: T-Bone. The Doc’s merged with his machine!
T-Bone: Too bad! ‘Cause that means we’re gonna unplug both of ‘em!
Greenbox: I think not, SWAT Kats.
Razor & T-Bone: Aah, hyah, augh!
Greenbox: There’s the Megabeam laser that Puma-Dyne has been developing. Grab it, then nothing will be able to stop us.
Zed: Zed shall comply, Creator.

Lt Felina Feral: Uncle, we’ve lost. Zed’s going for the laser satellite.

Greenbox: Time for a demonstration. Obliterate that mountain.
Zed: Zed will comply.
Greenbox: Excellent! Megakat City will fall to its knees before us! Reset the Megabeam to full power and target the center of the city!
Zed: Affirmative. Beam discharge in ten seconds. Nine. Eight. Seven. Six.

Lt Felina Feral: No!

Zed: Five. Four.
T-Bone: (grunts)
Zed: Three. Two. One.
Greenbox: Oh! Nooo…
T-Bone: Quick, we’ve gotta get out of here!
Razor: T-Bone, this thing’s coming apart!
T-Bone: Deploy Delta Packs!

Cmdr Feral: I suppose you’re responsible for all–
T-Bone: Hey, don’t try to pin this one on us!
Cmdr Feral: Actually, I was thinking about thanking you, but I’ve changed my mind.
Lt Felina Feral: I guess Doctor Greenbox’s invention got out of hand.
Razor: Yeah, with a little help from the Metallikats.
Lt Felina Feral: The Metallikats?
Razor: It’s kind of touching, really. Molly actually loved Mac enough to help us stop that thing.
T-Bone: Yeah, well, at least they’re together now…

Molly: Mac! Where are ya?
Mac: Over here, move it!
Molly: Mac! You’re alive! Uh, sort of… Looks like you’ve merged with a food processor. You know, I’ve always wanted a food processor.
Mac: Hah! You can’t even cook water.
Molly: Ah, go mince yourself.
Mac: (vibrating) Aw, come on, Molly! Shut this thing off!