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Transcript by Kooshmeister.

Cast:

  • T-Bone – Charles Adler
  • Razor – Barry Gordon
  • Callie Briggs – Tress MacNeille
  • Commander Feral – Gary Owens
  • Mayor Manx – Jim Cummings

Guest Cast (in order of appearance):

  • Dr. Leiter Greenbox – Robert Patrick
  • Rex Shard – John Vernon
  • Chauffeur – John Rubinow

Supporting Cast (in order of appearance):

  • Warden Cyrus Meece – Jim Cummings
  • Talon – Charles Adler
  • Lem – Charles Adler
  • Prison Guard #1 – Jim Cummings
  • Prison Guard #2 – Charles Adler
  • Enforcer Commando #1 – Charles Adler
  • Enforcer Commando #2 – Jim Cummings
  • Ann Gora – Candi Milo
  • Bratty Little Kid – Tress MacNeille
  • Bystanders – ?
  • Jonny K. – Charles Adler

Act One

T-Bone: Nothin’ like a desert test run! We should do this more often, buddy!

Razor: Uh, T-Bone, we’re here to test my missiles, not your flying. All systems ready!

T-Bone: Those test targets are sittin’ ducks! Razor, they’re shootin’ live ammo!

Razor: Hey it wouldn’t be a real test unless there was some danger. Slicer Missiles, away! Bingo! Tank sushi.

T-Bone: My turn to have some fun! Hey, Razor, didn’t you plant any more targets?

Razor: Heads up, partner. Three bogies closin’ fast from behind. Banshee Missiles, do you thing!

T-Bones: Looks like your screamin’ demons shoulda done less yellin’ and and more swervin’.

Razor: I gotta work on their guidance system, but ya gotta admit, they sound cool. I’ll finish off those drones the old fashioned way. Bingo!

T-Bine: Let’s head home.

Meece: Glad you had time to pay us a visit, Mayor Manx.

Manx: Very impressive, Warden Meece! Yours is the only Megakat City prison that pays for itself.

Meece: My… “volunteer work program” sees to that. I use prisoners to mine the nearby mountain range for precious gems. Here’s this month’s take. More than enough to run the prison. (chuckles)

Callie: (to herself) With plenty left over for himself. (aloud) Wouldn’t the extra money be better spent on the prisoners?

Manx: Now, now, now, Callie. I’m sure the taxpayers appreciate all the Warden’s hard work.

Meece: Well, they’ll soon appreciate it even more. Gem production is goin’ to triple, thanks to Dr. Greenbox here.

Dr. Greenbox: You mean, thanks to my Gemkat 6000 mining machine.

Meece: Right now, a workin’ model of this is bein’ tested by a prisoner at the mines.

Callie: But is it safe?

Manx: Eh, looks complicated.

Dr. Greenbox: It’s really simple to use. You merely…

Shard: …scrape this thing against the rock walls and diamonds just plop into it? What kind of a fool do ya take me for, Talon?

Talon: The kinda fool servin’ a nine life sentence.

Lem: But the Warden’s willing to shave some time for testing that stupid thing.

Shard: The Warden? (spits) Meece is the only one gettin’ rich off this mine. And don’t get any uglier while I’m gone, ya jerks!

Talon: C’mere, you hood!

Lem: Power down, partner, he ain’t worth it.

Shard: I wish they’d give me a bazooka to test. Kats alive! It’s the motherlode! Wow, let’s… let’s see what this baby can do. Hey, what gives? Full already? Let ol’ Rex Shard take a few off the top before Meece does.

Lem: Look!

Shard: What? What’s happening to me?!

Lem: Get the van! Take it easy, Shard, we’ll get you to the prison doctor! Unh!

Talon: Lem! Daywatch! Come in, we got big trouble!

Shard: Goin’ somewhere, Talon?

Manx: Sorry I have to rush off, Warden, but there’s pressing business that can’t start without me.

Callie: The Manx Invitational Golf Tournament.

Prison Guard #1: Warden, something’s going on at the mines! We can’t reach Talon!

Meece: Sounds like trouble!

Manx: Trouble? The Deputy Mayor’s my favorite troubleshooter! She can handle it. (nervous chuckle) Handle it, Callie…

Callie: (annoyed) Enjoy your game, Mayor.

Manx: Hurry, driver! I don’t want to be late for tee off.

Chauffeur: Don’t worry, sir. Megakat Springs is only twenty minutes away.

Callie: Let’s get Dr. Greenbox and go out to the mine.

T-Bone: Hey, Razor! My compasses are goin’ wacko!

Razor: I’m trackin’ some weird electromagnetic disturbance about twenty five miles due Southwest, not far from Megakat Maximum Prison!

T-Bone: Won’t hurt to go down and take a look.

Prison Guard #2: Stop right there or I’ll fire!

Shard: (straining) I’m… gonna get… you, Meece! (growls)

Meece: Yes, a mining accident. Tell Commander Feral to get here, and fast! Aah!

Shard: Just the kats I wanted to talk to. You and your gadget did this to me!

Razor: T-Bone, I’m intercepting distress calls from the prison!

Meece: Now, now, Shard, I’m sure we can work this out! (gasps)

Shard: Work this out! (laughs)

Dr. Greenbox: Wait, I can help you!

Shard: Who says I need your help? Ow!

Callie: The SWAT Kats!

Razor: Cement Machine-Guns! Don’t leave base without ‘em.

T-Bone: What are you doin’ here, Ms. Briggs?

Callie: It was either this or golf, and you know how I feel about golf.

Dr. Greenbox: What the–-?! (gasps)

Shard: (gasps, grunts)

Callie: Dr. Greenbox, what’s going on in there?

T-Bone: Uh-oh! Looks like we’ve got big problems!

Act Two

Shard: (growls) The famous SWAT Kats, huh? Do your worst! There’s nothing I can’t handle! Nothing! Greenbox!

Razor: I don’t like his attitude. Let’s cut some crystal!

Shard: What’s the matter, SWAT Kats? Can’t cut it? (laughs)

Razor: Swing around, we’ll have to try something else!

Feral: Back off, SWAT Kats! The Enforcers are here!

Razor: I guess he’s tougher than we both thought, huh Commander?

Feral: Enforcers, move in!

T-Bone: Bad move! You don’t know what this creature can do!

Enforcer Commando #1: Holy kats!

Enforcer Commando #2: Jump!

T-Bone: I warned ‘im! Hang on!

Callie: Dr. Greenbox, you said you could help him. Can you?

Greenbox: Maybe! But I need to get back to my lab!

Callie: Then let’s go!

Shard: And this is for you, Commander Feral! Where do you think you’re going, Doc?

Razor: Callie’s makin’ a run for it. Get closer, we’ve gotta give her cover fire!

T-Bone: We’re hit!

Razor: Yeah, but Callie got away!

T-Bone: Not enough power to maneuver! Gotta land this bird for repairs!

Shard: Run, you cowards! Rex Shard is bigger and badder than ever! (laughs)

Feral: This is Feral! Bring me chopper backup!

Ann: The crowd is frozen with tension as the honorable Mayor Manx addresses the ball for the last hole of his own tournament. This is Ann Gora of Kat’s Eye News. And this is the most boring day of my career. The SWAT Kats! Well, things are looking up.

Manx: (annoyed gibberish) Those blasted SWAT Kats spoiled my putt! But if nobody minds, I’ll be taking that shot over. This is my tournament after all.

Bratty Little Kid: We don’t mind, but I think he does!

Shard: (growls)

Manx: Feral, you’ve got to do something!

Feral: Relax, Mr. Mayor! The Enforcers are here! Give up, Shard, you’re surrounded!

Shard: When are you fools gonna wise up?

Feral: Fire!

Shard: You’re starting to annoy me, Feral! Let’s see what I can really do! (strains and grunts)

Feral: What’s that crystal maniac up to?

Shard: (growls)

Bystanders: (various cries of confusion) What’s going on?!

Manx: Huh?!

Shard: So long, Megakat Springs! Next stop, Megakat City! (laughs)

Feral: Not if I have anything to say about it!

Shard: (continues laughing)

Ann: And I thought this was going to be a slow news day!

Feral: (weary) This is Feral. Bring me more chopper backup.

T-Bone: Too much damage! Can’t make it back to the hangar! We’re goin’ down! How’s it look, partner?

Razor: Not good. A couple hours’ work at least!

T-Bone: We don’t have a couple hours, buddy!

Callie: (over the communicator) SWAT Kats, come in!

T-Bone: We copy, Ms. Briggs. Where are you?

Callie: Gemkat Labs, outside of Megakat Springs. Dr. Greenbox is rewiring his prototype mining device to try to reverse Shard’s condition, but only the Turbokat can get close enough to use it.

T-Bone: We might have a little problem there.

Callie: Uh-oh, looks like I’ve got a big problem here!

Shard: (roars)

Callie: Shard’s heading right for us!

T-Bone: I’m on my way!

Shard: Gemkat Labs, eh? Dr. Greenbox! I got a score to settle with ya!

Dr. Greenbox: Almost finished!

Callie: Later! We’ve got to get out of here!

Shard: Greenbox!

Callie: Oh! Dr. Greenbox!

Shard: Why are you running? I thought diamonds were a girl’s best friend! (chuckles)

Callie: I don’t like the setting! (grunts)

T-Bone: Need a lift?

Shard: No! Not so fast, hero!

Callie: Faster, T-Bone!

T-Bone: Uh-oh! Looks like we just ran outta road!

Act Three

T-Bone: Hang on! Emergency thrusters on!

Shard: You little insects think you’ve escaped. But you’re doomed, anyway! You hear me? Doomed! (laughs)

Callie: Better see if you can fix this, too. Dr. Greenbox didn’t have time, Razor.

T-Bone: Neither do we. Shard’s heading for Megakat Dam. if he hits that reservoir, Megakat City is gonna be one dry town!

Razor: I hope this works.

T-Bone: If it doesn’t, consider the Sandkat a farewell gift, Ms. Briggs.

Callie: Good luck, guys! I wish I could be there with you. Hey, maybe I can! Down here!

Razor: Shard’s gotta be at the end of this maze.

T-Bone: Then let’s polish some crystal! Hey, this looks kinda familiar.

Razor: It should. This is where we were testing our missiles.

T-Bone: All right! I wanted another crack at this run! Rock and roll! Kats alive, look at the size of ‘im!

Razor: I hope Greenbox knew what he was doin’.

Shard: (roars angrily)

T-Bone: Hope again, buddy. it can’t penetrate that crystal shell.

Razor: Shard, listen to me! We’re trying to help you!

Shard: No need for that!

T-Bone: We blew it!

Shard: (growls)

Ann: And it looks like even the SWAT Kats are completely helpless against this crystal colossus!

Shard: More company, eh? Well that’s okay! I’ve got plenty of pain to go around!

T-Bone: Crud! There must be something we can do to put a dent in that guy!

Razor: Affirmative! We’ll hit him with Banshee Missiles!

T-Bone: Razor, those things are duds!

Razor: Trust me! I’ve boosted the sonic pitch. They’ll shatter Shard like a big pane of glass!

Shard: (screams in pain)

Jonny: (gasps)

T-Bone: I told ya those things were duds!

Shard: I’ve… had enough of you SWAT Gnats!

T-Bone: Whoa! When did he pick up that trick?!

Ann: Incredible! Rex Shard has focused the sun’s energy into a deadly laser!

Shard: No interviews!

T-Bone: Time to kick some crystal tail!

Razor: T-Bone, who-what are you doing!? We’re… gonna come apart!

T-Bone: Your idea! Sound is the only way to get through to ‘im! I’m gonna lower a Mach 5 sonic boom on that new age nightmare!

Shard: Noooooooooo!

Razor: Bingo! Ya did it!

T-Bone: We did it, partner. Better blast him with the Doc’s device and see if we can finish the job.

Dr. Greenbox: (gasps)

Manx: (gasps, yells) Whoooaaa-haaa-haaaa…! (coughs and splutters)

Lem: (groans) Oooh…

Feral: The Enforcers can handle it from here! It’s back to the brick litterbox for you, Shard.

T-Bone: I’ll betcha two cases of tuna that Feral takes all the credit for this.

Razor: Who cares? We’ve got better things to do. Like, uh, pickin’ up some girls..?

T-Bone: Rock and roll!

Episode Transcripts

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