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Contributed By
Craig RohloffCraig Rohloff

Cast:

  • T-Bone – Charles Adler
  • Razor – Barry Gordon
  • Callie Briggs – Tress MacNeille
  • Commander Feral – Gary Owens

Guest Cast (in order of appearance):

  • Hard Drive – Rob Paulsen
  • Enforcer Commando #1 – Ed Gilbert
  • Professor Hackle – George Hearn
  • Mac Mange – Neil Ross
  • Mac Mange – Neil Ross
  • Burke – Mark Hamill
  • Sgt. Talon – Ed Gilbert
  • Enforcer Commando #2 – Ed Gilbert
  • Puma-Dyne Supervisor – Ed Gilbert

Supporting Cast (in order of appearance):

  • Ann Gora – Candi Milo
  • Scaredy-Kat – Charles Adler
  • Murray – Charles Adler
  • Female Puma-Dyne Technician – Tress MacNeille

Transcript

Feral: Attack!

(Enforcers fighting a rogue tank in the background)

Ann: That’s the scene here today at Puma-Dyne where dangerous technology pirate Hard Drive has hijacked the Enforcer tank known as the Behemoth. I’m here with Deputy Mayor Calico Briggs. Ms. Briggs, why can’t Commander Feral seem to stop his own tank?

Callie: The Behemoth isn’t just a tank, Ann. It’s an advanced prototype with a thought-activated arsenal and a force-field. The Commander’s really got his hands full.

Hard Drive: Aw, why the hassle Feral? I’m just giving your new toy a test drive. (laughs) Oh yes, it handles nice. Good suspension too. I can’t even feel the bumps.

Feral: Sergeant! We must have something in our arsenal that can stop that thing?

(In an error, it’s a commando and not a sergeant who replies.)

Enforcer Commando: Sorry sir, Puma-Dyne built that tank to your specifications. It’s designed to handle anything.

(Turbokat flies into view)

Feral: Including the SWAT Kats.

T-Bone: Razor! That tank’s armed to the teeth!

Razor: A Slicer missile should cut it down to size!

(Missiles fails to penetrate force-field.)

Razor: Crud! That tank’s got a mega-sized force field!

T-Bone: Yeah? And we don’t!

Hard Drive: So long, SWAT Kats. Happy vapor trails. And as for you, Commander Feral… (taking aim) Hope your insurance is paid up, Commander!

Razor: Launching Scrambler missile, now!

Hard Drive: No! My controls are shorting out!

Razor: Yeah, a million megavolts will do that you little creep.

Hard Drive: No! (controls explode, loses control of the tank)

T-Bone: Yes! (thumbs up)

Razor: Yes! (thumbs up)

Ann: Thanks to the SWAT Kats, it appears Hard Drive has lost control of the tank.

Feral: Ah! (narrowly leaps out of the way of the Behemoth as it rolls over his tank and crashed into a building)

Hard Drive: Ugh… I give up!

Razor: I guess Feral can handle it from here.

T-Bone: Yeah, but it looks like he won’t be getting much of a trade-in on his tank.

SCENE END

Ann: Commander Feral, the SWAT Kats have stopped Hard Drive cold, doing in minutes what your entire strike force failed to accomplish. Any comment?

Feral: Sure I’ve got a comment. Those hotshots stopped him, but at what cost? This important facility has millions of dollars in damage. Do you think the SWAT Kats care?

(Transitions to being watched on the Mega Vision Screen in Prfoessor Hackle’s lab)

Callie: They care enough to have saved this city. Again.

Ann: Yes. Who knows what harm Hard Drive would have caused. (TV is muted)

Prof. Hackle: Such senseless violence. It’s all so disheartening.

Mac: Wow Molly. Feral hates the SWAT Kats even more than we do.

Molly: Why shouldn’t he, Mac? Those fighter jocks make him look stupid at least once a week.

Mac: Hey, Doc! What are you fiddling with? You’ve already fixed us up.

Prof. Hackle: Not quite my friends. When I activated you I did not know you had gangster personalities. But these computer discs will program out all your criminal tendencies.

Molly: (whsipers) I don’t like the sound of this.

Prof. Hackle: The two of you are going to demonstrate how helpful machines can be. See there? Mac, you will be my chauffeur. Molly, you will serve as housekeeper.

Mac: (whispers) We gotta get out of here!

Prof. Hackle: (gasps) Oh my word! Now those fools have done it!

Molly: Done what, Doc?

(Looking at Mega Vision Screen, zooms in on background items – the Macro-Bots Goliath and Prowler.)

Prof. Hackle: They’ve actually built the giant robots I designed for the space program.

Molly: Whoa, now those are robots!

Mac: Yeah, Doc. How come we couldn’t have big strong bodies like them?

Prof. Hackle: My Macro-Bots were designed to explore other planets. But Puma-Dyne wanted to use them for destructive purposes. That was the final straw! That’s why I resigned. But now those fools must be made to understand. (leaves the room)

Molly: All I understand is we gotta get out of here before he gets back.

Prof. Hackle: (on the phone) This is Professor Hackle, now you listen to me! My inventions must be used to help katkind, not hurt it! (crashing noise, Hackle returns to the lab) Huh? Oh no…

(The maid and chauffeur outfits lie burning on the ground, and the Metallikats have escaped in Hackle’s pickup truck.)

Prof. Hackle: Why must my good intentions always lead to disaster?

Molly: Making you a chauffeur? The way you drive? Ha! That’s hilarious!

Mac: Hey, it ain’t no stupider than you doint housework! When’s the last time you cleaned anything?

Molly: I can clean your clock, tough guy.

Mac: What a piece of junk, we’ve gotta get some decent wheels.

Molly: Yeah, and then we’re gonna settle our score with Megakat City. Hey, I think they towed out Metalliakt Express to that big salvage yard, remember?

Mac: Do I ever! That hovercraft had enough hardware to waste this whole town! Salvage yard, here we come!

Molly: You a chauffeur. (laughs again)

SCENE END

(Scaredy-Kat on TV)

Chance: (laughing) You show em’ Scaredy-Kat! (laughs) I love this!

(crashing noise)

Jake: Chance! (annoyed)

Chance: I’m sorry, Jake. It’s just so funny that– (laughs some more)

Razor: It’s Burke and Murray.

Chance: Party’s over I guess.

(Dump truck dumps scrap right in front of the garage entrance)

Chance: Hey! What are you clowns doing?

Razor: You have to dump it right on our doorstep?

Murray: Door to door delivery, ’cause we like you. (laughs)

Burke: (stupid sounding laugh) This is a junkyard, ain’t it?

Chance: Hey even you know better than to dump that stuff right in front of our garage!

Murray: You sayin’ we stupid or something?

Chance: Don’t have to. You just did.

(Metallikats observing from behind a pile of scrap)

Mac: Duelin’ lowlifes.

Molly: C’mon, let’s get our wheels and blow up this dump. It’ll be a public service.

(both start looking for the Metallikat Express and find it)

Molly: Here it is!

Mac: (pops open the trunk to find a small arsenal) Lookin’ good!

Molly: And this time I’m doing the driving!

Mac: Oh all right. Huh? Sounds hollow (stepping on Hangar door)

Molly: Mac you comin’ or do I leave without you?

Mac: I think I found something.

Molly: What is it?

Mac: I don’t know. But I’m gonna find out what a tunnel’s doing in a salvage yard.

SCENE END

Burke: Miss flying, loser? Maybe I can put you back in the air!

Chance: Go ahead and try it, furball!

(one of Jake’s devices beeps)

Jake: (whispers to Chance) Not now, buddy. We’ve got an intruder alert in the hangar. Do you copy?

Chance: Gotcha.

Jake: I guess we’ll have to finish this some other time, fellas. We’ve got something to take care of.

Murray: Sure you do! (makes chicken sounds)

Burke: (joins him, both laughing as they leave)

Jake: Forget them! Let’s check out the hangar.

Chance: Probably just another junkyard raccoon.

SCENE END

Jake: Raccoon, huh? Well this raccoon turned off our lights.

Molly: Well, who’d of thunk it? The famous SWAT Kats are really just a couple of grease monkeys!

Mac: Payback time, heroes! (laughs and opens fire)

Chance / Jake: (gasp and both dive out of the way)

Mac: Come out and play, SWAT Kats!

Molly: Time for a little “tune-up!”

Chance: Crud! They know who we really are!

Jake: Hey it won’t matter if we’re really dead! We need some firepower. Follow me! (both rush to a secret compartment to retrieve weapons – a Super Glovatrix and Mini-Bazooka Launcher) Much better!

Chance: Ready?

Jake: Let’s rock!

(both return fire and knock the Metalikats back)

Chance / Jake: Yes!

(Metallikats growl and come out of rubble undamaged)

Jake: No…

Molly: Is that your best shot?

Mac: These grease monkeys are a couple of wimps!

Molly: You don’t shoot any better than you drive. I’ll show you how it’s done!

Mac: (laughs) They’re history!

Molly: We better make sure.

Mac: I can’t see a thing. I’m going to infared.

Molly: See, what’d I tell you Mac? They didn’t get far.

Mac: Yeah, call ‘em mechanics or call ‘em SWAT Kats. I call ‘em finished!

Chance: Now! (turns on the lights)

Jake: (fires at the hydraulic machinery, causing the Turbokat lift to come falling down and crush the Metallikats)

Chance: Is it over?

Jake: Are you kidding?

(Metallikat’s severed heads spider-walk away unseen)

SCENE END

(in Feral’s office)

Callie: Commander Feral!

Feral: How can I help you, Ms. Briggs?

Callie: You can tell me the meaning of this! (holds up newspaper detailing Feral’s intent to arrest the SWAT Kats)

Feral: I think it’s rather obvious. My men have orders to arrest those destructive vigilantes on sight.

Callie: Now see here Feral, the SWAT Kats have saved this city more times than–

Feral: With all due respect, Deputy Mayor, your SWAT Kats are a menace. They belong in a cell, right next to Hard Drive.

Callie: Commander, just because they smashed your new tank-

Sgt. Talon: (interrupts) Commander! The Metallikats are tearing up downtown!

Callie: The Metallikats? But the SWAT Kats destroyed them months ago.

Feral: I guess your heroes aren’t so perfect after all, Ms. Briggs.

SCENE END

Molly: I think you drive better without a body, Mac. But don’t let it go to your head.

Mac: Very funny. This electronic link-up will get us to Puma-Dyne in a hurry.

Molly: Puma-Dyne?

Mac: We neeed new bodies, right?

Molly: Duh! I can’t spend my whole life just shopping for hats! So?

Mac: So, “snookums,” we’re gonna get into those giant robot bodies and become bigger and badder than ever!

Molly: Oh, I love it! Then we’ll get even with those SWAT Kats once and for all!

SCENE END

(Klaxon blares)

Jake: What can we do for you, Miss Briggs?

Callie: The Metallikats are back!

Chance / Jake: Huh?

Jake: What? Are you sure? (runs to check) I gotta check this out. Aww, crud. Their heads are gone!

Callie: What was that, Razor?

Chance: He said, we’re uh, “headin’ out!”

SCENE END

Molly: I take back what I said before. Your driving’s lousier than ever! And it’s giving me a headache!

Mac: So’s your yammering. We’re almost there, ain’t we? Now you take care of the welcome wagon.

(Metallikat Express engages Enforcers, making short work of the blockade)

Mac: What are you doing? (Metallikat Express detaches back half that goes rocketing backward)

Enforcer Commando: Clear the area! Now!

(Explosion destroys the remainder of the Enforcer Peacekeeper tanks)

Molly: (laughs)

SCENE END

Razor: Callie says the Metallikats are making for Puma-Dyne labs.

T-Bone: Puma-Dyne? Again? What is that place, psycho-central?

Razor: And we’ve got a bigger problem, T-Bone. The Metallikats know our secret identities. The minute they spill the beans out SWAT Kat days are over. Feral will see to that.

T-Bone: Then let’s go out in a blaze of glory.

SCENE END

Feral: Where are the Metallikats?

Puma-Dyne Supervisor: This thing was empty when we found it.

Puma-Dyne Technician: No one could have survived this crash.

Feral: You don’t know the Metallikats.

Prof. Hackle: I do, Commander.

Feral: Who are you?

Prof. Hackle: My name is Professor Hackle, and this is all my fault.

Feral: Your fault?

Prof. Hackle: My intentions were good, but… I’ll explain later. Just take this. It’s a neural neutralizer. The only thing that can stop Mac and Molly once and for all.

Molly: It’s Hackle, and he’s talkin’ to that clown Feral.

Mac: So what? Soon as we plug into these super robot bodies nothin’ will stop us! Not even the SWAT Kats!

SCENE END

T-Bone: There’s Puma-Dyne! Time to go headhunting!

SCENE END

Mac: Molly, you ready?

Molly: What, do you think I’m having my hair done?

(Macro-Bots crash down large hangar door)

Feral: Move! (grabs Hackle and rushes them just barely out of the way)

Razor: You were right T-Bone. Looks like we are going out in a blaze of glory! (as Macro-Bots open fire on the Turbokat)

T-Bone: Crud! What are those things!

Mac: How do you like our new bodies, SWAT Kats?

Molly: We’ve been working out. (laughs)

Razor: This ought to scramble their brains!

Mac: Hey SWAT Kats! That didn’t even tingle! (laughs)

T-Bone: Razor, those Scramblers fizzled! Better break out the big stuff!

Razor: Mole Missiles, away! (missiles fail) T-Bone, those missiles were diamond-tipped!

T-Bone: Those robots must be made out of some kind of super alloy!

Ann: Looks like the SWAT Kats are turning tail! Leaving Meakat City and the Enforcers are the mercy of the Metallikats!

Mac: Hey SWAT Kats! Come back and fight!

Molly: Unless you want us to spill your big ol’ secret!

T-Bone: Then I guess we have no choice you hoods!

Mac: Heads up Molly! Here they come!

Molly: I’m ready!

T-Bone: Here goes nothing!

Molly: Well don’t just stand there you big lunk, get me out of here!

Mac: And you said I couldn’t drive.

Molly: Just shut your trap and pull!

Mac: Next time, don’t be such a klutz!

Molly: Who are you calling a klutz?

Razor: (boards Prowler) Temper, temper! I’m pulling the plug on you, Molly!

Molly: Not today you lowlife! (escapes to Mac’s robot, Goliath) Mac!

Mac: Hey! What are you doin’ here?

Molly: I had SWAT Kat infestation.

Razor: Yeah! I’m sending you two rivet-heads back to the scrap yard for good!

Mac: We’ll see about that!

T-Bone: Razor, I’m gonna try and tie them up.

Razor: Good idea, buddy. That last hit killed my missile systems. But there’s nothin’ wrong with my left hook!

Mac: You fools don’t get it, do you? Nothing can stop the Metallikats!

(Prowler starts to climb a building)

Mac: Two can play at this game! (Goliath follows)

T-Bone: Razor, is this another one of your crazy ideas?

Razor: Negative. This is desperation time!

Mac: Gotha! So long, SWAT Kat!

Razor: I’m not going alone, you cons! (sets Prowler on automatic attack mode and bails as it crashes into Goliath)

Mac and Molly: (both scream as the two robots fall off the building and plunge into the park below in a fiery explosion)

Razor: T-Bone, come in. I need a lift.

T-Bone: That’s a big affirmative, buddy.

SCENE END

Ann: The two Macro-Bots have been defeated, but not without extensive damage.

Feral: Par for the course where the SWAT Kats are concerned.

(Feral walks down into the crater and finds the remains of the Metallikats and aims the neural neutralizer)

Feral: Freeze! This is a neural neutralizer. Hackle designed it to deactivate you permanently.

Mac: Wait, Feral, put that thing down, and, we’ll tell you the secret identities of the SWAT Kats.

Molly: Yeah, we found out who they are!

Mac: And so can you! Just let us go.

Molly: Yeah, that’s the deal. Cause we ain’t gonna be reprogrammed by Hackle, and we ain’t going back to the slammer.

(Feral seemingly considers, but after a moment)

Feral: I don’t deal with scum. (he fires the neutralizer and deactivates the Metallikats, then tosses the gun aside)

Callie: Commander, you surprise me. (walking down into the crater, and places a hand on his shoulder) You could’ve-

Feral: (brushes her hand away) Don’t make a big deal about it. I just didn’t want to owe those two hoods… anything.

CREDITS ROLL

Contributed By
Craig RohloffCraig Rohloff

Episode Transcripts

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