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Transcript by Kooshmeister.

Cast:

  • T-Bone – Charles Adler
  • Razor – Barry Gordon
  • Callie Briggs – Tress MacNeille
  • Commander Feral – Gary Owens
  • Mayor Manx – Jim Cummings

Guest Cast (in order of appearance):

  • Jack – Earl Boen
  • The Pastmaster – Keene Curtis
  • King – Earl Boen
  • Burge – Frank Birney
  • Dr. Abby Sinian – Linda Gary
  • Sgt. Talon – Ed Gilbert
  • Enforcer Commando – Ed Gilbert

Supporting Cast (in order of appearance):

  • Tom – Charles Adler
  • Museum Guard – Frank Welker

Act One

Jack: Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea, Tom. This old boneyard is supposed to be cursed!

Tom: Eh, what are ya, Jack, a scaredy-kat? We find somethin’ valuable, and the museum’ll pay big bucks for it! So shut up and keep diggin’! Hey, I think I’ve hit paydirt! Gimme a hand here! There’s probably treasure inside.

Jack: Ugliest treasure I’ve ever seen.

Tom: Yeah, well this old watch has gotta be worth plenty of–- What?!

Jack: Wh–Who are you?

Pastmaster: I am the Pastmaster, imprisoned in here for eight-hundred years!

Jack: I told you this place was cursed!

Pastmaster: At last I’m finally free! Now to find my book of spells!

Jack: Let’s get outta here!

Tom: No way! We’re gonna sell that old gnome to the museum, watch and all!

Pastmaster: Curse the council! My book isn’t where I hid it!

Tom: You’re comin’ with us, Pastmaster!

Pastmaster: You foolish mortals! Even without my spellbook I have enough power to deal with vermin like you! Let them go! I have more important work for you. Start digging, and find my book of spells!

King: (via loudspeaker) You are violating a restricted area! Put down those shovels!

Pastmaster: Do those modern fools think some infernal machine can stop me? Attack!

Burge: Do we read these things their rights?

King: You have the right to remain buried!

Burge: These bones ain’t movin’ now. What’s this thing?

King: I don’t know. Headquarters wants us to take it over to the Museum of History.

Burge: Roger.

Pastmaster: Perhaps this museum has my book… So, this is what’s been accomplished in eight-hundred years. I want the Dark Ages back. And when I find my Tome of Time, I will arrange just that! (laughs)

T-Bone: (strained) Mach 4! Ready… for more?

Razor: (also strained) Uh… huh!

T-Bone: Mach 5! All right, ten seconds. Beat that, SWAT Kat.

Razor: Wh-What?

T-Bone: Ha! New personal best! Ten seconds at Mach 5.

Razor: Yeah, well, if you say so. Of course… I didn’t see it.

T-Bone: Sure you didn’t see it, you were out like like a blown engine!

Razor: Hey, then how do I know you made ten seconds? I mean, you could’ve passed out too, and just made it up to yank my tail.

T-Bone: That does it! Two outta three!

Razor: You’re on!

T-Bone: (strained) Why don’t ya… just admit it?! I can take more… Gs than you!

Razor: (also strained) I’ll believe it when I see it!

Dr. Sinian: And so when the museum re-opens, our new exhibit will trace the evoloution of Megakat City from prehistoric swamp to urban sprawl.

Callie: This should be enough for me to write the Mayor’s press release. Thanks, Dr. Sinian. Will that be in the exhibit?

Dr. Sinian: Oh, just came in, but it’s definitely a part of history. The darker part. These inscriptions date back to the Dark Ages.

Callie: Really? Any idea what was inside?

Sinian: Jewels, perhaps. Who knows what our ancestors might have buried in here?

Pastmaster: Here the past is dead. I prefer my past alive. (chuckles)

Museum Guard: Hey! How’d you get in here? The museum is closed until further– (gasps)

Pastmaster: And I say it is open! (laughs)

Museum Guard: No!

Callie: What was that?

Pastmaster: I do not want to be disturbed while I look for my book!

Dr. Sinian: Oh, good heavens! One of the exhibits has fallen!

Callie: One of the exhibits is alive!

Pastmaster: Where is my book?!

T-Bone: Jake! Callie’s callin’ us! Oh and by the way, eleven seconds at Mach 5! T-Bone here. What’s happening, Ms. Briggs? Ms. Briggs, do you copy? Sounds like big trouble!

Razor: What?

T-Bone: Up and at ’em, partner! Got a fix on Callie’s signal?

Razor: Roger! Megakat City Museum of History!

Dr. Sinian: We can get out through the garage!

T-Bone: Seems pretty quiet.

Razor: Quiet, huh?

Act Two

Razor: Popping canopy… now! Bingo!

T-Bone: Let me give you a hand, ladies.

Razor: T-Bone!

T-Bone: Thanks, Razor, but I think I could’ve taken him.

Razor: Just makin’ sure the cement machine gun was operational. Whoa, exhibits are gettin’ kinda lifelike, aren’t they?

T-Bone: Looks like the Enforcers are here. Late as usual.

Pastmaster: My Tome of Time. Eight-hundred years is far to long to be separated from such power!

Dr. Sinian: Only a sorcerer’s dark power could have brought these ancient bones to life. It must have been the Pastmaster.

Callie: If you mean that weird little guy in the hood, why don’t you just ask him?

Dr. Sinian: Oh, no! He’s stolen an ancient spellbook!

Sgt. Talon: All right, buddy, hand it over!

Pastmaster: The Tome of Time belongs to me! Hear the spell of this immortal, send this creature through the portal!

Dr. Sinian: It’s a Megasaurus rex!

Pastmaster: Out of my way, you fools! I command the past, and your future looks bleak! (cackles)

T-Bone: Hang tight, we’ll take care of this. Let’s kick some tail!

Razor: Roger! Octopus Missiles, away!

T-Bone: (strained, as the jet flies out of control) It… just… kicked our tails!

Dr. Sinian: The SWAT Kats!

Callie: They’re gone!

Dr. Sinian: Now who will save Megakat City?

T-Bone: Come on, baby! Gotcha!

Razor: Uhh, T-Bone? I’ve got a feeling we’re not in Megakat City anymore.

T-Bone: Yeah, sleepin’ beauty, looks like that giant lizard smashed us into the past. Any idea how to get back?

Razor: Well, I’ve got a better question. How does a jet stay in the air without fuel?

T-Bone: Answer: it doesn’t!

Razor: Well, I’d better get to work fixing that torn fuel line.

T-Bone: (dejected) Fine. The closest gas station is only a million years away.

Razor: Huh? Ejektors!

T-Bone: Engaged! I guess we showed them!

Razor: Affirmative, but now we have to show them!

Pastmaster: (cackles)

Enforcer Commando: Fire!

Pastmster: Aha, there is a way to destroy this modern monstrosity called Megakat City, and bring back the Dark Ages!

Enforcer Commando: It’s no use, Commander! We’ve thrown everything at that lizard!

Feral: I’m surprised those meddling SWAT Kats aren’t here.

Enforcer Commando: They got taken out early, sir.

Feral: Really? Well, we can handle this. Launch gas grenades!

Enforcer Commando: Yes sir!

Pastmaster: The spell must be cast from the tallest clocktower in the land. Once that was my tower, but now… You stupid beast!

Feral: They’re not going anywhere!

Dr. Sinian: Get that spellbook from the Pastmaster, or we’re all still in danger!

Feral: I give the orders around here!

Callie: Feral, Dr. Sinian knows what she’s talking about. She’s the curator of the museum.

Feral: All right. Throw a net over that guy!

Pastmaster: Hear the spell of this immortal, send these creatures through the portal!

Callie: Too little too late, Feral!

Feral: This is Feral. Bring me chopper backup!

Pastmaster: Yes, that clocktower will do nicely!

Callie: He’s headed for City Hall!

Manx: (startled) Huh?

T-Bone: Spider Missiles, now!

Razor: Bingo! T-Bone, follow me!

T-Bone: Into a live volcano?! Razor, you’re crazier than I am!

Act Three

Razor: Oxygen masks, now! Lucky for us those leather-wings don’t have gas masks.

T-Bone: Smells like prehistoric fried chicken. Volcano-hoppin’ was kinda fun, but I don’t wanna spend the rest of my nine lives stuck in dinosaurville.

Razor: Affirmative. And I’ve got an idea that just might get the Turbokat back in the air.

Feral: Let me blast that gnome and his buzzards off of there!

Manx: I give the orders around here, Feral, and you’re not going to blow up my City Hall, until I know who we’re dealing with and what he wants!

Callie: He’s an eight-hundred year old sorcerer from the Dark Ages!

Manx: Perfect! Well, don’t just stand there! Get up to the tower and find out what he wants!

Razor: Fuel tanks are modified. Give me some gas!

T-Bone: You really think this is gonna work?

Razor: Well, theoretically, the natural volcanic gas mixture should get us off the ground. Or blow us up.

Pastmaster: Alas, it’s too late. When this clocktower strikes noon, my Dark Age city will return, and your Megakat City will be no more!

Callie: Wait! The Mayor has authorized me to give you anything you want! Money! A parade in your honor!

Pastmaster: How generous! But I’m already getting what I want! A return to the past!

Dr. Sinian: Our only hope is to destroy that book!

Callie: And we’re running out of time!

Pastmaster: You’re really going to enjoy the Dark Ages!

Callie: Guess it’s up to Feral now, especially without the SWAT Kats.

T-Bone: Maybe we should’ve tried the unleaded volcano.

Razor: Well, at least we didn’t blow up.

T-Bone: Feeding time again, guys? Sorry, SWAT Kat ain’t on the menu!

Razor: T-Bone! Looks like another one of those time holes is opening.

Manx: Feral, you’ve got only three minutes to blast that sorcerer out of the clocktower!

Feral: My pleasure! Fool should’ve given the order an hour ago!

Pastmaster: Get them!

Manx: My office!

Pastmaster: It won’t be long, now!

T-Bone: We’re back!

Callie: The SWAT Kats!

Razor: Looks like our city’s having an identity crisis.

Callie: SWAT Kats, you have only one minute to blast the Pastmaster out of the City Hall clocktower!

Razor: Who says we can’t fight City Hall?

T-Bone: Eat afterburner! Watch this! If the Gs don’t knock you out!

Razor: Nice flying, T-Bone! Hey! I didn’t pass out! I- T-Bone! Wake up, buddy! We need a pilot now!

T-Bone: Why didn’t you eject?

Razor: And miss that look on your face? No way!

Manx: They’re too late!

Pastmaster: Time’s up! No!

Manx: I wish they’d got back in time to save my office.

Dr. Sinian: I guess the Tome of Time won’t be making it into the new exhibit. But, at least we don’t have to worry about the Pastmaster anymore.

T-Bone: Yeah!

Both: Rock and roll!

Episode Transcripts

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