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Contributed By
Craig RohloffCraig Rohloff

Written by Lance Falk

Transcript by Craig Rohloff

Cast:

  • T-Bone – Charlie Adler
  • Razor – Barry Gordon
  • Commander Ulysses Feral – Gary Owens
  • Lieutenant Felina Feral – Lori Alan

Guest Cast (in order of appearance):

  • Mac Mange – Neil Ross
  • Molly Mange – April Winchell
  • Dr. Leiter Greenbox – Nick Chinlund

Supporting Cast (in order of appearance):

  • Enforcer Dispatcher – Candi Milo
  • Vault Supervisor – Charles Adler
  • Ann Gora – Candi Milo
  • Tab Mouser – Charles Adler
  • Female Puma-Dyne Supervisor – Candi Milo

Act One

T-Bone: That’s… two G’s!

Razor: Three G’s! Sure you don’t wanna… back out?

T-Bone: Funny. Four G’s.

Razor: Five G’s. Woooah!!

T-Bone: Razor! Razor, buddy, where are you?

Razor: Up here. Uh, that’s what I get for supercharging the motors. Too much stress on the support mounts.

T-Bone: Heh, heh. Yeah, and now we’ve got a mega-mess to clean up!

Razor: Uh, oh… looks like our radar jammer’s totaled! Without this, Feral can track us here easy and blow our cover!

T-Bone: So fix the thing, ace.

Razor: Hey, not without help. I salvaged it from a stealth jet; complex stuff… it could take months to fix!

Enforcer Dispatcher: Attention Enforcer units!

Razor: The emergency band.

Enforcer Dispatcher: The Metallikats have broken into Megakat City Mint. All units report.

T-Bone: The Enforcers will never be able to handle those two.

Razor: Then it’s up to us to kick some Metallikat tail!

Mac: It’s like this: you mint money for the banks…

Molly: …and we have to go all over town stealin’ the money.

Mac: We just wanna cut out the middleman. All right! Now I’ll ask you just once: where’s the main vault?

Vault Supervisor: You’ll never get in! This door is 25 feet [editor: looks more like 12 inches, but what the hey.] of reinforced titanium on a quad-bolted time lock that won’t open for 12 hours.

Mac: Very impressive.

Molly: But we’re in a hurry.

Mac: Heh, heh, heh. One stop shoppin’. Hey, only take the big bills, Molly.

Molly: DUH! What’d you think I was gonna grab? Ones?

Cmdr Feral: Attention, Metallikats!

Mac: I was wonderin’ when the law was gonna show.

Cmdr Feral: This is Commander Feral! Mac & Molly Mange, you’re under arrest!

Molly: Then come and get us!

Cmdr Feral: Let ‘em have it!

Mac: Boy, wait ‘til they get a load of my new Mega-Armament.

Cmdr Feral: Augh! Oooh…

Mac: Say goodbye, Commander. GAAAH!!

T-Bone: Hey, bucket butts, is this a private party?

Razor: Or can anybody join?

Molly: Augh!

Razor: Outstanding!

Molly: Uh! I can’t see! Augh!

Lt Felina Feral: Look out!

Molly: Augh!

Mac: MOLLY! Molly, are you OK? Say somethin’.

Molly: (weakly) Get the loot… you big sap… uhhh…

Mac: Forget the loot. I’m getting’ you outta here!

T-Bone: They’re under here!

Cmdr Feral: Where are the Metallikats?

T-Bone: Long gone.

Razor: They got away empty handed.

Cmdr Feral: Yes. And it’ll cost millions more to repair the mess you’ve made of this building!

T-Bone: Gee, for a second there, I thought your uncle was going to thank us for saving his tail.

Lt Felina Feral: Thanks, guys!

Razor: Hey, no problem!

Mac: A little… recharge is the ticket. C’mon, Molly, say somethin’. Go ahead, insult me. I won’t even get mad!

Molly: (weakly) Can I… call you… ‘bucket butt’? Oooh…

Mac: Heh, heh! I knew it! Y-you just need to charge up for a while. Relax and soak up some juice. Meanwhile, let’s see if we made the news.

Ann Gora: –robbery attempt on Megakat City Mint. The Metallikats remain at large. Enforcers Commander Ulysses Feral had this to say…

Cmdr Feral: Thanks to the diligent efforts of my Enforcers… and with some minor help from the SWAT Kats… the Metallikats were stopped cold. It’s only a matter of time before we have them in custody.

Ann Gora: (cheerfully) And now, this week’s Spotlight on Science, with Tab Mouser. Tab…

Mouser: Thanks, Ann. I’m here with Dr Lieter Greenbox. Doctor, what do you have for our viewers?

Greenbox: Well, it’s a little complicated to explain, Tab. Let me show you. It’s a micro-brain repair unit, with universal applications. Allow me to demonstrate on this mechanically impaired clock radio.

Repair Unit: Analyzing.

Mouser: Incredible! But how–

Greenbox: You see, Tab, every machine is based on a handful of basic concepts. This prototype device is smart enough to diagnose the purpose of any mechanical or electronic object and restore it to its original state.

Mac: Hello!! That thing could patch Molly up in a nanosecond.

Mouser: Amazing! When will this little miracle be available?

Greenbox: In a year, perhaps.

Mac: Heh, heh, heh. That’s what you think.

Greenbox: But there’s still a lot of testing to be done.

Mouser: Back to you, Ann.

T-Bone: Wow, did you see that?

Razor: Yeah, maybe we can take this jammer to Greenbox. This high-tech bowling ball with a brain might be able to fix it a lot faster than I can.

T-Bone: Hey, it’s worth a call.

Razor: Hey, that’s great, Doc. Thanks! We’ll be right over.

Greenbox: Gasp!

Mac: Looks like this thing could use new brakes. Hiya, Doc! I’ll take that.

Greenbox: No! You can’t.

Mac: Oh, yes, I can!

Greenbox: Oooh…

Mac: Now… let’s see if this little do-dad is all it’s cracked up to be.

Repair Unit: Analyzing. Analysis complete. Commence repairs.

Mac: Eh? Woah! Just what the doctor ordered! Molly… this thing’ll fix ya up in no time.

Repair Unit: Analyzing.

Molly: (whispering) What? (aloud) I’m as good as new! Better, maybe! How’d ya do it, bolt brain?

Mac: This little gizmo that the doc made. And from now on, we ain’t leavin’ home without it.

Greenbox: No! That’s my device! I’ve spent years developing it!

Molly: So build another one.

Mac: Hey… What’s it doin’?

Repair Unit: Analyzing armored conveyance for assimilation procedure.

Molly: Hey!

Mac: Our car!

Repair Unit: Commencing assimilation procedure.

Mac: That thing’s strippin’ our wheels!

Repair Unit: Assimilation complete.

Greenbox: Incredible! It absorbed your hovercraft to build an armored body around itself.

Repair Unit: Mac and Molly Metallikat: you are thinking machines more experienced than I. I await your input.

Mac: Are you thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?

Molly: Yeah. I hear ya. From now on, kid, you’ll do just what we tell ya.

Repair Unit: Excellent. Purpose is important. Purpose is all.

Greenbox: No! It’s my invention! I won’t let you take it!

Mac: Wrong-o, Doc. He’s one of us now.

Repair Unit: A correct extrapolation of facts.

Greenbox: Hello, Enforcer Headquarters—AUGH!

Mac: The boy’s got a healthy appetite! (laughs sinisterly)

T-Bone: Do you really think that repair gizmo’s going to work?

Razor: Hey, it’s worth a shot.

Mac: Now that you had lunch, let’s go to town, kid!

Repair Unit: This one’s name is not ‘kid.’ Preferred nomenclature is… Zed.

Mac: Huh?

Molly: (matter-of-factly) I think it wants you to call him ‘Zed.’

Mac: Heh, heh. Yeah, OK… uh, Zed. And now, let’s rob this town blind.

Molly: Hey! Look who’s comin’ to dinner.

Zed: Turbokat threat identified.

Mac: Snack time! (laughs sinisterly)

T-Bone: What the… ?

Zed: Assimilate Turbokat. Eliminate SWAT Kats.

Act Two

T-Bone: Uh, what is that thing?

Razor: Giant monster of the week?

Cmdr Feral: Cease your activity at once!

Zed: Armored vehicles… most fortuitous.

Mac: Hah! This should be good.

Cmdr Feral: Jump!

Enforcer Commandos: D’ah! Oooh…

Razor: Creepy! We’ve gotta do something. Scrambler Missiles locked… and launched! That outta short-circuit him.

T-Bone: Crud! We need another plan, buddy.

Mac: Ah, ha, ha, ha! Hey, Zed, that was great! Now let’s get over to the city mint.

Zed: Negative. Monetary collection holds no interest for Zed. I have other priorities. I must ascertain Zed’s… true purpose.

Mac: Huh?

Molly: He says he ain’t gonna help us.

Mac: Oh, yeah? Now see here, ya overgrown tin can… Heeey!

Molly: Nooo!

Zed: Zed must seek purpose. Zed has grown beyond insufficient goals of Metallikat entities.

Greenbox: Oh, my! I never realized my creation could acquire so much power.

Molly: (angrily) Greenbox!

T-Bone: Razor, that thing eats everything made of metal.

Razor: Maybe the Mega Laser will stop it. Crud! Nothing can penetrate that tank armor.

T-Bone: Hang on! I’m gonna max this baby out. That was too close, buddy. Now what do we do?

Molly: You’re gonna help me get my Mac back… or else.

T-Bone: Let him go, Molly. Greenbox has nothing to do with this.

Molly: Oh, no? Tell him how your device ate my Mac.

Razor: Zed? That thing is your device?!

Greenbox: The Metallikats stole my invention to repair their injuries. My device’s programming was contaminated with their criminal personalities.

Molly: ‘Contaminated’? Why, you…

T-Bone: Cool it, Molly.

Razor: Doctor, is there a way to stop that thing?

Greenbox: Wha… perhaps. But I’ll need a few things from my office at the university.

Razor: We’re gonna need a ride. The Hoverkat will get us there in no time.

T-Bone: What? We’re going inside that metal-eatin’ monster?

Greenbox: It’s the only way to reach the original Zed so I can reprogram him properly with this deactivator.

Razor: But how will we get in? Zed’ll absorb anything metal, like our Glovatrixes.

Greenbox: Theoretically, these personal force field generators should protect us from Zed’s absorption powers.

Molly: Where’s mine? I’m goin’, too; that thing’s got my husband.

Razor: OK, Molly. You’re in.

T-Bone: Looks like Zed’s stripped half of Megakat City.

Razor: Kat Tracker’s got him. Zed’s heading for Puma-Dyne!

Zed: Destination established. Puma-Dyne is Zed’s key to total world domination.

Lt Felina Feral: Uncle, did you hear that? If Zed consumes the high-tech weaponry at Puma-Dyne… crud!

Cmdr Feral: I know, Felina, I know. Attention all Enforcer units: this is Feral. Surround Puma-Dyne. That thing must be stopped at any cost!

Other Enforcers: Ah! Watch out!

Razor: Look at the size of that thing!

T-Bone: The Enforcers don’t stand a chance against Zed.

Razor: Yeah… guess it’s up to us. Activate force fields.

T-Bone: This is it, Razor. Blast us a doorway!

Razor: Doorway comin’ up.

T-Bone: We’re in! Everybody out! (to Molly) Lucky for you, these force fields work.

Razor: Where to, Doc?

Greenbox: The control unit is about three hundred feet… above us.

Razor: Hang on!

Greenbox: Zed is so immense, we’re nothing more than germs to him.

T-Bone: Then those must be Zed’s antibodies!

Razor: Will our force fields protect us against them, Doc?

Greenbox: I’m afraid I didn’t anticipate this.

T-Bone: Razor, max afterburners, now!!

Razor: No! We’re out of fuel! Deploy grappling cables.

Razor & T-Bone: Ugh!

Razor: Zed must have reached Puma-Dyne.

T-Bone: Then we’d better hurry!

Lt Felina Feral: Nothing can stop him, Uncle.

Cmdr Feral: I know. The best we can do is delay it, until we can evacuate Puma-Dyne.

Lt Felina Feral: Is everything out of there?

Puma-Dyne Supervisor: Almost. The Megabeam is going to take a while to move.

Cmdr Feral: Megabeam? What’s that?

Puma-Dyne Supervisor: Our giant laser satellite. Set to launch early next year, it’s designed to stop earthquakes from orbit with surgical precision.

Cmdr Feral: Awww, that’s all I need. When that metal mountain absorbs your satellite…

Lt Felina Feral: …we can kiss Megakat City goodbye!

Greenbox: It’s incredible how much Zed has assimilated in such a short time, though in computer terms, he’s still just a child, you know.

T-Bone: Yeah, and we’re gonna give it a good spanking!

Molly: But only after we get Mac out!

Greenbox: I think I’ve found the heart of Zed.

Molly: Mac? You in here?

Mac: (voice over) Oh… Molly?

Molly: Mac! Hang on, Mac. I’m wastin’ this thing and getting’ you outta here!

Mac: No, don’t blast it, ‘cause you’ll finish me, too! I’m wired up to it!

Greenbox: Ingenious. Zed has self-preservation capabilities I never even dreamed of.

T-Bone: Time’s wasting, Doc. Pull the plug!

Molly: Back off, you three! Nobody’s touchin’ this thing ‘til I get Mac outta there.

T-Bone & Greenbox: Ah!

Razor: Eh! Sorry, Molly.

Molly: Gyaaah!

T-Bone: The coast is clear, Doc. Use the deactivator now!

Greenbox: No. I won’t. Don’t you fools understand? I created Zed. My very genius surrounds us. I won’t let you destroy it.

Razor: Woah, he’s flipped!

T-Bone: Yeah, we should have done this mission solo. Let’s get him! That way!

Greenbox & Zed: You’re too late, SWAT Kats. Zed has united with its creator; we are one. Zed has found unity, found purpose.

Razor: T-Bone. The Doc’s merged with his machine!

T-Bone: Too bad! ‘Cause that means we’re gonna unplug both of ‘em!

Greenbox: I think not, SWAT Kats.

Razor & T-Bone: Aah, hyah, augh!

Greenbox: There’s the Megabeam laser that Puma-Dyne has been developing. Grab it, then nothing will be able to stop us.

Zed: Zed shall comply, Creator.

Lt Felina Feral: Uncle, we’ve lost. Zed’s going for the laser satellite.

Greenbox: Time for a demonstration. Obliterate that mountain.

Zed: Zed will comply.

Greenbox: Excellent! Megakat City will fall to its knees before us! Reset the Megabeam to full power and target the center of the city!

Zed: Affirmative. Beam discharge in ten seconds. Nine. Eight. Seven. Six.

Lt Felina Feral: No!

Zed: Five. Four.

T-Bone: (grunts)

Zed: Three. Two. One.

Greenbox: Oh! Nooo…

T-Bone: Quick, we’ve gotta get out of here!

Razor: T-Bone, this thing’s coming apart!

T-Bone: Deploy Delta Packs!

Cmdr Feral: I suppose you’re responsible for all–

T-Bone: Hey, don’t try to pin this one on us!

Cmdr Feral: Actually, I was thinking about thanking you, but I’ve changed my mind.

Lt Felina Feral: I guess Doctor Greenbox’s invention got out of hand.

Razor: Yeah, with a little help from the Metallikats.

Lt Felina Feral: The Metallikats?

Razor: It’s kind of touching, really. Molly actually loved Mac enough to help us stop that thing.

T-Bone: Yeah, well, at least they’re together now…

Molly: Mac! Where are ya?

Mac: Over here, move it!

Molly: Mac! You’re alive! Uh, sort of… Looks like you’ve merged with a food processor. You know, I’ve always wanted a food processor.

Mac: Hah! You can’t even cook water.

Molly: Ah, go mince yourself.

Mac: (vibrating) Aw, come on, Molly! Shut this thing off!

Contributed By
Craig RohloffCraig Rohloff

Episode Transcripts

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